Interview 2: A Mother’s Dream with Emiola Taiwo

In November 2023, I booked a flight to Chicago to meet my niece for the first time. While there I couldn’t miss out on the opportunity to make my big sister the second person I interviewed for this project. We laughed, we cried and we reminisced. Meeting my niece and hearing my sister talk about her experience of being a mother felt so surreal, we were just kids seconds ago, and now she’s the mother of an almost two-year-old.

This interview has been long overdue, so here is my second interview recorded on November 21st with my older sister, Emiola Taiwo.

Yossy: So the first question I have is, if you had to introduce yourself to a stranger who would you say you are?

Emiola: For the most part I say my name, then maybe career comes up, marital status, you know that I have a husband. Also, we live in the city, and I have a very energetic 16-month-old.

Yossy: Did you know you always wanted to be a mother? I feel like, I already know the answer knowing you well.

Emiola: It’s a funny thing, where I feel that you guys always saw me as a mum and I call you my firstborn, I’ve always been around kids, always babysitting the cousins during summer. Even when I moved to America, I used to babysit the kids at church, I’ve mentored and have always had a passion for kids. I’ve always said I want kids and a big family but I don’t think I ever really sat and envisioned myself as a mum. Which, I feel you will find surprising because I have always been the mum to you and maybe that’s why, maybe it’s because it has just been natural for me having been the oldest sister.

Yossy: How has motherhood been treating you?

Emiola: Mmm, motherhood has been good, it has been hard, it has been rewarding, it has been frustrating. I feel like this journey has stretched me. There’s the you that you thought you were and the you that you didn’t even know that you were, that motherhood brings out. It has been motherhood in different stages from when she was first born till now, it has been multiple seasons. Even in each of those seasons, on the same day, you feel multiple emotions. You can go from “Oh my baby she is so cute, she’s so smart” and then ten minutes later you’re like “Why are you doing that?” Haha.

It is all of the emotions, all of the learning, all of the everything. It has taught me to be on my toes, not take things too seriously, forgive quickly, constantly learn, and love even deeper. I’m a lover, I love deep and man…motherhood? There’s this different love. You’re just looking like wow I gave birth to her? I find myself staring at her. I feel like I’m tired every day and then the next day God gives me what I need to get back up, that’s been motherhood, every day is different.

Yossy: What would you say your biggest lesson has been so far?

Emiola: The weight of what is in front of me. Every day and moment when I’m interacting with her, there is this reminder to be intentional with how I’m raising her. My impact on her is going to be long-lasting, I say to my husband I know we are going to make mistakes because we are human but my prayer is that the mistakes that we make, aren’t things that she has to heal from. I am constantly realising that what I’m saying and how I react is being picked up. Even when she does things that are frustrating how do I redirect her, where I’m not fighting fire with fire? Because kids are going to do what they want to do and you’ve met Temi, she is, going to do what she, wants to do!

Yossy: Oh my gosh Temi and the word no? She exercises her right to say no haha!

Emiola: And I love that for her right, she is a black girl in America and we’ve had these conversations. I’m big on wanting her to be confident, I want her to make her presence known, claim her space, and not be looked over. This is such a critical moment and opportunity, yes she is my daughter but she is also another human being in this world and eventually, she is going to find her path and forge her way but there is a foundation that we hope to get right for her.

Yossy: Are there things you would say shaped you as a mother or affected how you brought up Temi? For example, moving to Chicago at a young age technically but not technically alone?

Emiola: Definitely, some of my approach to her is inspired by my mum, the aunties, and grandma. I grew up with my mum in London, then at secondary school age went to Nigeria, and then came to Chicago at 16, I didn’t get that typical living at home with my parents until adulthood experience. There was an independence I was forced to have, good and bad. Then when I moved to Chicago, I built a community who became parents to me so I gained a group of mums here who jumped in hardcore to help me as I was there without my mum or you guys.

So when it comes to raising Temi I think that has shaped me, for example, I don’t need too many opinions and not in a bad way, I’m very decisive and I know what my plan of action and what my goals are. Childhood too, I grew up quickly, there were things I had to think about or do much quicker than a child should. So now raising Temi, there’s a protecting of her childhood.

My childhood in London? I loved it, I feel like my mum protected me from a lot of things that were going on around me. She did the best she could with what she had, there were times I had to spend time at y’alls house to help protect that childhood for me. Then there were times when she was real, she would tell me this is what is going on and I think for Temi, I want her to have a carefree life, not irresponsible just happy. No worries, black girl luxury, loved and light. The world is already so heavy and I don’t want her to be thinking about so much at a young age.

I don’t like that I’m away from you guys in London, I remember when I was moving, there was a moment where Sade and I had where we were like wow you’re going to be in America, we’re all going to be here in London, our kids are not going to grow up with each other, I’m getting emotional again haha. Our kids will not be as close as we are, I feel like that’s been a difference from how I was raised. All the cousins, we don’t say cousins we say sisters because that’s how close we are, if anyone would call you guys my cousins I would get so irritated. So raising Temi, I want to make sure that as crazy busy as life is she is getting that time to Facetime you guys and be on the phone, having that close connection to family is something I want to raise her with.

Yossy: Do you think you took any lessons from how your mum raised you? Which I guess touches on your previous points.

Emiola: In some way, we become our parents, the good and the bad. My mum is someone who loves deep, she sacrificed a lot for me and still does. She loves her granddaughter, she loves me, she loves my husband and so that is something I have learned from her. Growing up we weren’t the richest but I did not know that, I thought we had moneeey, but no we didn’t. Not that we were dirt poor or anything, but we weren’t as well off as I thought we were because she did everything she needed to do to make sure I had everything I needed and more.

Moments when growing up it was just my mum, it was mostly only her. We went to one of the most expensive schools in Nigeria and she was the reason I went, for me as a mum there is this sacrificing and prioritising of Temi. I remember growing up all of the school functions, it was always my mum or my friend’s mum volunteering, she was so involved. There’s a want to advocate for my child just like my mum, at Temi’s daycare they know that I am an involved parent.

There were moments I had to tell my mum you aren’t God, in the sense that she can’t protect me from and control everything. This is something I’m learning with Temi I can only do what I can, at the end of the day, God is the one who gave her to us and is in control.

Yossy: What would your one piece of advice be to younger mums or mums-to-be?

Emiola: Find your tribe, motherhood is hard. Motherhood has the glories, the fun, and the rewards yet it can feel lonely and frustrating. A friend came over and said “You have so many people around you” and because of that, it can be easy to assume I’m good. But one of the things I was sharing with her was that everyone has their own life. When you intentionally do life with your tribe even amid struggle and busyness, you have already cultivated that. So in the season of motherhood, sometimes I feel like I have a lot around me, yet it can feel isolating.

Especially with you guys being in the UK, you don’t know how important that banter is, having that moment to release and take breaks. You need a tribe that will encourage you, love on you and your child like they are their own, and let you know you’re not going crazy. A tribe where you can be yourself and where there is no judgment.

Yossy: Lastly, the title of this project is called A Mother’s Dream, what would you say your dream is for Temi?

Emiola: My first response is for her to be able to dream, challenges will come right? However, I want her to have the space to breathe and dream. In her young years, I want her to be a child and not stress over adult problems, even into her adulthood, when it comes to having desires and goals, I want her to know that the sky is the limit. You want it, you go after it. For many, life weighs them down and the idea of dreaming feels like a privilege versus the norm because of the reality in front of them.

---

In loving memory of my dear Aunty Bisi.

Interview 1: A Mother’s Dream with Adedayo Bamgbose-Akinsanya

I set myself the goal of reading and finishing one book this year, my choice just so happened to be ‘Conversations on Love’ by Natasha Lunn. One part of the book stuck with me:

“Last year my mum called while I was getting ready for work. I was already late, and as she spoke about her plans for the week ahead - her pilates class, the friends she was having round for dinner, the recipes she was considering, I absent-mindedly asked short questions, holding the phone in one hand while fishing around my drawer for two matching socks with the other.

At first, a familiar feeling rose up in me, a combination of distraction and frustration and stress; a reminder that I didn’t have time to talk. But then, a second feeling: a sudden awareness of the fleeting beauty of this phone call. The latter only appeared because, a few days before, I’d interviewed a woman who’d lost her mother, who said what she missed most was sharing the tiny, seemingly pointless details of each other’s lives.

It was only because of that conversation that I sat down on the edge of the bed and really listened to my mum’s voice: the way she shortened pilates to ‘lattes’'; how she said, ‘I’ll give you a tip…’ every time she talked me through a recipe. Instead of waiting for the right moment to interrupt, soon I wanted to tightly bind this conversation to memory”.

In 2021 we lost my aunt and since then my mother and I have grown closer. I’ve come to understand her more as I’ve grown older, we have more honest conversations nowadays. Losing my aunt was the first major loss I felt deeply, it shook my family to our core and made me realise that you never know when it’s someone’s time to go. If you knew my aunt, you knew all she wanted was to become a mother, she was a natural and she had always been one to us but I never understood that deep want. Maybe it’s down to me still only being in my early 20s and the broodiness just not hitting me yet, as well as not feeling that societal pressure yet due to my '‘biological clock’ still having time on it. Maybe it was due to reflecting on my own relationship with my mum growing up and knowing it had its moments I was just not ready to deal with.

Pairing the book with the loss of my aunt, a newfound want to be a better daughter, friend and support to my mother. It can be easy to forget that our mothers were their own people before having us, some not having the easiest journey into motherhood, their own mental health battles, their own harsh upbringings, broken relationships, and whatever else life threw at them.

Therefore, in honour of my aunt who I know is watching down on us in heaven, I wanted to use this personal project as an opportunity to have open conversations about the journey of motherhood. There are numerous goals and outcomes that I hope comes from this, whether it be someone reaching out to their mum to work on their relationship, someone finding comfort in knowing others had similar journeys to them, or mothers still very early into their journey learning something from the interviews.

So without further ado, here’s a conversation I had with my mother on February 16th, happy mothers day to all the mothers and mothers to be out there reading this!

A portrait of my mum taken at home, november 2022.

Yossy: so hi mum, thank you for joining me for this interview! The first question I would like to start off asking you is, who would you say you are, and how would you describe yourself to a stranger?

Mum: my name is Adedayo the daughter of Mahmoud Aderounmu Bamgbose and the wife of Adesumbomi Akinsanya. I’m the mother to two wonderful beautiful girls, Folasade and Folayosade. I’m a very hard-working woman and support to my husband, I hope I’m leaving legacies for my two wonderful daughters. As we say in Africa, our children are our wrapper, now they are adults, the dynamics are changing, so I would say they’re my daughters and I have two beautiful friends. I’m a blessed person, I have six best friends, I had two on earth waiting for me and I had four after me, those are my sisters, I’m one of seven and I have my oldest bestie, my dear mother.

A picture of my mum when she met my dad in the 80s.

Yossy: amazing, my next question is did you know that you always wanted to be a mother?

Mum: oh definitely, coming from Africa it’s like…you’re surrounded by family and friends and children. I mean it’s a different way of life now for my children’s generation but for my generation, I had a wonderful stepdad who said you get a good education, get a good job, then you’ll meet someone and be an asset to them and have children, so it was all I would hear, it was stipulated, it’s all you know growing up based on what you see around you. My children’s generation is career first, finding your own path, not just looking for someone to complete them, wanting to achieve many things before getting married.

Yossy: so you say that your mum is your best friend and teacher, how was your relationship with grandma growing up?

Mum: I didn’t see her as my best friend growing up that’s the saddest part of it, you know because there were seven of us. My mum has always been someone approachable, she started becoming my best friend when I was having my children and she would come to stay with us. Growing up with her, she was very strict, we didn’t know it was for our own good, she was a hands-on mother. In Nigeria back then, many parents would leave home and go to work or go to the shop, my mum, we her children were her job, were her everything. I lost my dad when I was really young going to age 10, then my mum got married again to my stepdad, they were really good, so I learned a lot from my mum.

She wasn’t like other mums back then that would go to parties or have many friends, she made her children her business and she’s benefitting from it today. But thank God for the way she brought us up, we have a saying in Yoruba '“always remember the daughter of who you are” before you make mistakes and take the wrong steps. I think of my mum in many decisions I take, they provided for us so we don’t go out looking for things we shouldn’t. Taking those steps in bringing us up like that, my sisters and I are still very very very close.

I remember going back for the first time after my three years of education in England, I had my husband who was my boyfriend then in 1987, he lived in Ogun state and me in Lagos, I had a 9 to 5 job and thought I was an adult but if I go to see him in the morning over the weekends only, I couldn’t sleep over. Now we appreciate that strictness she had with us because we weren’t exposed to some of the bad things our friends were.

Yossy: you spoke already a bit about your relationship with my dad, when it came to getting together how did you know he was the one?

Mum: oh your dad choked me with love haha, from day one! We met (he would say otherwise when telling his side of the story) before summertime in 1985 and then I was seeing someone, not really serious at the time. Back then in England, one of the main ways of meeting someone was discos, I went to one with a friend, and the first time I met him I ignored him. We met again three months later I think around August or September, there was another disco as that’s when students would get remittance from Nigeria. This time I met your dad I wasn’t seeing anyone, we were dancing when he told me that he was at his last bus stop, which means you are the person I will marry in the future.

So from day one he made me feel comfortable in the relationship, he made it known to me that I was special to him. Then I was young, he’s six and a half years older than me, I was just out there to have fun with my friends. He let me know it wasn’t a casual relationship, and that he’s in this for the future, I had many people interested in going out with me but I did not take many of them seriously, so your dad was lucky. I’ve learned a lot from your dad, he’s been like a big brother to me, a teacher, best friend, and a dad, I felt safe with him. We just knew we were for each other, I didn’t introduce him to my parents, he went back to Nigeria to introduce himself to my parents. It’s been a love story for the two of us, we’ve been through it all and we’re still together (to God be the glory) it will be 38 years we’ve been in a relationship and 33 years married this year, it has its trials and tribulations but we thank God we’ve had each other backs.

Yossy: you and dad have been married for many years, and you have Sade and me, how would you say your journey was through motherhood?

Mum: motherhood…you can’t say this is how it will go, it’s an ongoing forever. I remember when I was pregnant I was with Folasade, and how happy I was, some of my friends were pregnant then, some already had their kids and were married, and about five or six of us were pregnant together in 1990-1991. You plan it in your head this is how it’s going to go but mine didn’t go according to plan or how it’s supposed to be. Everything went upside down at 28 weeks, I gave birth at 30 weeks pregnant so my first taste of motherhood was a disappointment because I was comparing it to how my friends and eldest two sisters’ pregnancy experiences went.

The first thing was do I survive? Does Sade survive? My husband as well as my family, were all praying for us to survive it. The first two months of Sade coming into the world were spent at Royal Free Hospital in the special care baby unit, it took two weeks for me to be discharged. It was full of daily commutes to the hospital, hoping Sade would come home, I gave birth to her in September and finally brought her home in November when she was due, she wasn’t even five pounds. She was two pounds two when she was born, when we would visit the clinic I wasn’t a proud mother because my baby was really small to the people around me. So I felt like a failure kind of, compared to other mothers with babies with rosy cheeks but that journey made me appreciate being a mother even more, surviving it with Sade and your dad, all of us learning together.

Then we had a second child, we had planned when Sade turns five we can have the next one. It went well, we gave birth to a beautiful baby girl whom we lost to cot death when she was five and a half months old going to six. I was meant to go back to work, so that was another testy moment but thank God for Sade and your dad. We lost her in 1996, and it took us a while before we felt ready to try again but luckily for us, God was so wonderful I fell pregnant in the summer of 97’ precisely in Queens New York, then gave birth to a wonderful, beautiful baby who is interviewing me, Folayosade on April 1st, 1998. It took me almost two years to sleep through the night, not wake up in the middle of the night to check on you, move your body and make sure you were still breathing.

When I was giving birth to you I will never forget, I always have my sisters around me when I’m giving birth, and your dad came and hugged me. What my sisters didn’t realise was that your dad whispered into my ears and said, no more it was too much trauma for us giving birth. I told my mum and sisters and they understood, at that moment I knew that was it, and thank God for our two beautiful daughters.

I remember when Sade became a teenager and I had to say to her “Folasade you are a teenager, I’ve never been a mum to a teenager so we both are learning, that’s the way it is”, I put my hands up when I get it wrong. It’s been a journey of learning, discovery, trusting them, and giving them a hand to hold, I’m still learning.

Yossy: are there things you would say shaped you as a mother? Or affected how you brought us up?

Mum: we had a shaky relationship with your dad’s family, which brought us very close together. We lost a lot by a way of living here, I had a really good job back in Nigeria for a young lady but we couldn’t stay on, we had to move back here and when we came back here, the standard really dropped. We were living on our parent’s money when studying, so when we came back he had to stay with friends who he had helped, I stayed with my sister with a young family, it wasn’t what we were used to. It’s like we had started all over again, it made us really strong.

Yossy: did you feel ready to be a mother when the time came? Do you think that you can ever feel ready?

Mum: that’s a tough question Folayosade. I will never forget what my older sisters said to me when we got married “oh you have to stop family planning, it will take time for you to get pregnant”, the first month I stopped taking birth control I got pregnant. I never knew I would fall pregnant that fast haha, so no matter how ready you are you can still be unprepared.

Yossy: the title I have for this personal project is a mother’s dream, what would you say your dream is for us?

Mum: I have so many dreams for you guys, first of all, is giving you guys confidence. That was my aim when bringing you up, for you to be able to handle yourselves no matter what situation, and to have confidence as a young African lady. Not to be timid, go for their dreams, to achieve their dreams as well, and say to themselves I can do it. I want them not to waste time because looking back, I would say there are some things I regret not doing and that I did, that I could have done a better way. From my own experience, I’m telling them this is the right time to do these things, don’t hold back, and nothing is impossible with God’s help.

I want them to be free and open and enjoy life, own up to their mistakes, move on from them and not let them hold them back. I don’t want them to be caught up in the lifestyle now, too much competition out there, too many unpleasant things going on out there. You learn from mistakes, you dust yourselves off and try again you know. For them to be happy, hold their heads high as young capable ladies. I want them to own the world, not for them to think they aren’t good enough, we’re not good at everything but you find what you’re good at! I want them to thrive in their career, in their life, in their relationship, and in everything. For them to be themselves, know who they are, don’t model themselves on anyone else, you’re uniquely made by your father and me.

I want them to come to me, to be open, I don’t hold back from them since they were young. What we can and can’t afford, I’ve never pretended to be someone we’re not. Maybe one of us is out of a job, or we can’t afford certain things this year, I’m always honest with them. I’m glad, I think I can say I have an open relationship with my children, and I’m grateful for that.

Yossy: that’s beautiful, I’m so happy. Leading on from what you mentioned, what would you say being a mother has taught you?

Mum: being a mother is forever, it’s 24/7. The dynamics of our family have changed since I became a mum over 31 years ago, Sade has moved out and Yosade you always have one leg in and one out, so your dad and I are finding ourselves in a place we’ve never been before. We’re still your mother and father no matter what but I still want to hear from them. Not being under the same roof doesn’t stop you from being a mother, being a mother is a constant, it’s a tug at your heart that pulls. Sometimes you have to take a step back to let them learn but it can be hard, to let them do things themselves. You want them to be great all the time, and you worry so much, I’ll always ask them about each other to make sure you’re both doing okay. They’ve made me realise they will come to me if anything is wrong, I don’t always have to worry.

Yossy: lastly, one of the aims I have with this is to hopefully, have mothers-to-be, young mums, have this as a thing they can maybe take from. So my last question is what would your advice be to younger mums or mums to be, what would you say?

Mum: be patient, let them grow as a mother, you worry about them. Make sure you’re approachable and let them know they can come to you. Know when to step back, be there for them, pray for them, I say to God “fill my mouth with the right words so I won’t say the wrong words to set them off, that I’ll say words that will be welcoming and encouraging to them”. Let them know you love them, assure them, and tell them you’re proud of them. I let them know where I’m coming from as a mother, that it’s coming from a place of love because I want the best for them. The world has changed compared to when I was younger, compared to back home in Nigeria so I try to understand them, I’m blessed I had their nan (my wonderful mother in disguise who was their childminder) who explained to me this is how things are in the UK.

Be there for them no matter what you are going through, we mothers also go through things but being a mother comes first no matter what, you provide for them and be there for them emotionally, physically, financially, and socially. A mother’s love is forever, you can’t decide one day you don’t want to do it anymore. Motherhood is a beautiful thing, it’s a blessing, I’m using this opportunity for those looking up to God for them to be blessed with a child of their own.

Seeing them grow and become young adults, finding their own ways, going to spend time with my daughter and granddaughter in Chicago, she’s my niece but I call her my daughter niece, I thank God I could witness that, that now she’s on her journey of motherhood herself. I remember when she was born, a baby in my arms, it’s a continuation. I’m so blessed when I put things on now, I’ll maybe say the bra and pants are mine, the rest was given to me by my daughters, I look forward to mothers day every year because I know I’m going to be spoiled. I pray for every mother out there that their journey with their children will be a blessing as well and that they take them to a place where they can stand on their own.

In loving memory of my dear Aunty Bisi, pictured here with my mother.

Notting Hill Carnival

What started as a small children’s street fayre during the mid 6os has now grown into the annual celebration of Notting Hill Carnival that we look forward to. The first outdoor carnival took place in the streets of Notting Hill in 1966 and continued up until covid put a three-year pause on the celebration.

With its return highly anticipated this year, thousands flocked to the streets of West London, including me and my camera to enjoy the three-day celebration. After attending the much smaller Hackney Carnival in 2019 with only my camera for company, I was so excited to finally experience Notting Hill Carnival for the first time. What made this experience even more special was attending with a group of black female photographers to do a photo walk in partnership with MPB.

From news articles to skeptical parents, what Notting Hill Carnival is portrayed to be and what it actually is are two different things. Full of violence and dangerous are two things news outlets will be quick to report the experience as however, I can tell you after attending both days that it’s filled with nothing but a sense of community as well as happiness.

One of my hopes when taking my camera with me was to not only capture the essence of carnival but to also contribute to the years of historical pictures you see of the black british cultural experience. When shooting, I decided for the most part to shoot candids so you can witness the raw emotions of the day, as well as stopping people for portraits so you can take in the outfits that we’ll one day hopefully look back on and refer to as ‘the fashion that was cool back then’.

The beauty of Notting Hill Carnival is seeing people from different generations coming together. Strangers young and old embracing each other with open arms and love, and people from different backgrounds as well as cultures, all coming together to celebrate and appreciate Caribbean culture.

As the sun beat down on us, soca music filled our ears whilst our eyes also took in the multitude of floats and costumes. Carnival is a pleasure on all your senses at once. People waved their flag in every and each direction with pride and the biggest smiles on their faces, it was beautiful to see people rep their country with no fear of judgment or questioning.

Whilst I didn’t get the chance to have a chat with any of the people I took photos of on the day, I’m grateful that the power of the internet has made it possible for so many people to find the pictures I took of them. So though I can’t include any conversations I had and want to pass on in this People & Places entry I will leave you guys with the note that Notting Hill Carnival is something that I believe should be experienced at least once.

There is black British culture bursting at the seams all around London if you look closely but none quite top or are as obvious as Carnival.